May 28, 2007
How I wish that time could turn back a few hours ago, so all of my words wouldn't suffer you and now suffering me...
How I wish I could see clearly the road of life that I'm going, so that I could know which is right turn, which is wrong turn in my life. Sometimes, sitting down to think of life, I don't know where to go, what am I doing this for, going on the road, but don't know when it ends and where it leads me to.
How I wish that I could have a strong man stays beside me and hug me tight each time I'm sad, because even how strong I'm, I'm still only a little girl in life with so many challenges and traps. If I just neglect for a while, life is going to kill me. I have to be strong because I'm not lucky to have a strong man with me... You're luckier than me when you have someone to take care of you, so don't look at my strength and then jealous because you don't know that I do want to have something that you have. Sometimes, people give compliments about my dynamic, active, strong, independent characteristics, but you know that, I hate these characteristics sometimes, because of them, men are running away from me.... I wish to be a kitty, a bunny, a piggy, a puppy or whatever as long as small and weak, so that people will take care of me. I don't have to take care of myself too much.
How I wish I could never grow up, if only I were a child, I wouldn't know anything in life so that I wouldn't have to be suffered the pain. Physical pain is easy to cure, but emotional pain takes me the rest of my life to forget. Sometimes, like now the emotional pain makes me feel like I just want to take the knife to stab into my heart, without heart, no pain anymore.
How I wish I could have family here with me now because at the moment I'm so weak, my heart is crumbling into a thousand pieces, but I only can cry sniffly, because I'm afraid my neighbors can hear it. If i were at home now, I will hug Mom and Dad tight and burst into tear like a child. I wish that, I really wish that.
How I wish You my friend could understand me more and sympathize me if sometimes my mind and temper are out of control... I might do something crazy because that time i was at the corner of the end of the street, no exit.
How I wish I could restart everything from the beginning so that I would try to do the best I can... All the best thing is I would never let anyone be hurt by me.
How I wish that someone could listen to whatever I said, could understand what I feel and think for him. Maybe TO YOU it's just bullshit, but at least TO ME that was my true feeling.
How I wish that everyone could be happy so even when you are rich or you are poor, you will not treat your husband or wife badly. And the children don't have to live in the street more than in their houses.
It's so cruel because all of my wishes above, NONE of them become true...
I'm still a small lonely girl in a big stormy life and still have to build up a thick, strong outside shell to protect myself.
Who could understand????