May 28, 2007

WISHES

How I wish that time could turn back a few hours ago, so all of my words wouldn't suffer you and now suffering me...

How I wish I could see clearly the road of life that I'm going, so that I could know which is right turn, which is wrong turn in my life. Sometimes, sitting down to think of life, I don't know where to go, what am I doing this for, going on the road, but don't know when it ends and where it leads me to.

How I wish that I could have a strong man stays beside me and hug me tight each time I'm sad, because even how strong I'm, I'm still only a little girl in life with so many challenges and traps. If I just neglect for a while, life is going to kill me. I have to be strong because I'm not lucky to have a strong man with me... You're luckier than me when you have someone to take care of you, so don't look at my strength and then jealous because you don't know that I do want to have something that you have. Sometimes, people give compliments about my dynamic, active, strong, independent characteristics, but you know that, I hate these characteristics sometimes, because of them, men are running away from me.... I wish to be a kitty, a bunny, a piggy, a puppy or whatever as long as small and weak, so that people will take care of me. I don't have to take care of myself too much.


How I wish I could never grow up, if only I were a child, I wouldn't know anything in life so that I wouldn't have to be suffered the pain. Physical pain is easy to cure, but emotional pain takes me the rest of my life to forget. Sometimes, like now the emotional pain makes me feel like I just want to take the knife to stab into my heart, without heart, no pain anymore.

How I wish I could have family here with me now because at the moment I'm so weak, my heart is crumbling into a thousand pieces, but I only can cry sniffly, because I'm afraid my neighbors can hear it. If i were at home now, I will hug Mom and Dad tight and burst into tear like a child. I wish that, I really wish that.

How I wish You my friend could understand me more and sympathize me if sometimes my mind and temper are out of control... I might do something crazy because that time i was at the corner of the end of the street, no exit.

How I wish I could restart everything from the beginning so that I would try to do the best I can... All the best thing is I would never let anyone be hurt by me.

How I wish that someone could listen to whatever I said, could understand what I feel and think for him. Maybe TO YOU it's just bullshit, but at least TO ME that was my true feeling.

How I wish that everyone could be happy so even when you are rich or you are poor, you will not treat your husband or wife badly. And the children don't have to live in the street more than in their houses.

BUT...

It's so cruel because all of my wishes above, NONE of them become true...

I'm still a small lonely girl in a big stormy life and still have to build up a thick, strong outside shell to protect myself.

Who could understand????

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15 comments

  1. gal~u r asking too much ...
    instead u should happy with whatever that u are having now...

    ReplyDelete
  2. If you read carefully my post, you will know that i'm not demanding anything, kycek...The spirit of this post is not asking or demanding, it's other aspect...

    I just told to my fren have to enjoying what we're having, it's called happiness. Now you the one who tell me back this sentence. Boomerang!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Orienman12:38 PM

    @Crystal: I always believe that I'm a man who loves to befriend girls whom are gentle and feminine...

    You may be right, too independent a girl may drive away too many men whom may be interested in you!

    I carry this belief in grooming my daughter! She has been taught since young to be gentle and feminine...

    After all, I have been brought up in a very traditional family in Malaysia.

    A little out of the topic, but this is exactly how I feel at the moment which I love to share with a little girl like you...

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thank for your sharing thought, Orienman...I feel that i'm not gently and feminine enough...But am I too powerful too strong? I don't think so, but one friend told me that, so now i really don't know...

    Maybe he is true. Speechless now...:(

    ReplyDelete
  5. Orienman5:46 PM

    @/Crystal: I have met you only once. So my assessment of you may not be 'accurate'...

    I find that you're too assertive in your communication. As such, you always leave no room for your listener to reply otherwise, i.e. twist and turn nor go round the bush.

    At times, being ambiguous may not be a bad thing as far as communication is concerned. After all, we are Asians and at times, Context is more important than Content!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thank you so much Orienman. I think I really need to adjust myself a lot.
    Still need to hear more comment, criticism like this a lot.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Jacky7:32 PM

    Dear, why your sounds like so sad, desperated and hopeless...What's happened? Why so serious? Please, if you have any problem, just speak out and share with me or your friends, don't keep it. And don't ever think of silly actions. OK?
    I know sometimes, you try to prove that you are strong girl but actually you are still little girl, weak and still need a lot of cares. Just act normal as what you are, you will feel better...Always care for you.

    ReplyDelete
  8. hey nancy i known u for 2 and the half year..
    so i relly understand wat are u goin through.. just know this it is very important 4 urself to be urself..
    bcoz if u really love thta person u are able to take anything abt that person and love that person with all ur heart..
    its not worth to find a person who dosent appreciate u.. so u dont have to hide ur true self.. bcoz being hapi abt urself brings out the shine in u...
    and u must not let anyone to underastimate u.. being strong is agood characteristic so u should be proud of urself... many guys that i know like ladies who are true to themselves it dosent matter weather they are timid or not..
    for gurl believe that u have it and u shall receive it.. do u know its all in ur head... understand.. ur wonderfully made so u should not discourage urself like this understand...
    for i believe in u.. :)
    all the best ya..try to pull urself up and automaticly u will be standing tall :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Christine9:29 PM

    Heard your story from this morning

    through chatting with you but i was

    so busy, that's why i couldn't talk

    much.Sorry! But I can tell you

    this, Nancy.

    From this story, you can see that,

    you are not strong at all even

    sometimes you commit that. Because

    if you are strong girl like others,

    you will never let Love hurts you.

    Am I right? But let's see, how are

    you now? I can feel and can

    understand you because we are close

    like sisters. You remember your old

    story 3 years ago. How were you

    this time? No need me to recall it.

    To me, You are just a little girl

    exactly. Don't have to wear shell?

    Why you have to do that? What's

    for? I'm worrying you now because

    at the present, nobody is with you

    :( I only can share with you by

    chatting or email like this. So you

    have to take care more and more.

    About the guy that you told me, I

    think somewhere somehow he's also

    suffered. But if he still loves

    you, or having feeling for you, he

    will know what to do. I don't know

    whether your friend can read these

    words....

    This maybe a challenge for both of

    you to test your Love to each

    other. If you and him really be in

    love, should go ahead instead of

    keeping your egos. You also

    sometimes very stubborn, let your

    ego goes so high,that's why you

    also suffer a lot. Shouldnot do

    like that.

    If both of you cannot settle your

    Love problem, then you can never

    settle any problem afterward.

    Because only when your head and

    your heart live in harmony, you

    will be smart and happy to do

    anything you want. Why put yourself

    in unhappy circumstances???

    I hope your friend can read my

    message to you so he also realizes

    something and especially you

    yourself: If you don't want to love

    him, just try to forget him, but if

    you feel you still in love with

    him, don't ever give up.

    That's my advice to you. I always

    want to see you happy, my little

    sister.

    Love you.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Orienman9:41 PM

    @Crystal: You do have so many friends who have shown concern for you...

    To all the concerned souls, let not be deceived by the contents of what our little girl had have said; rather let's pay more attention to her context.

    She may or may not mean what she had written in her Blog. However, the circumstances that led to her stories being unfolded in her Blog needs more of our attention?

    I don't have an answer to my question, as I have only met our beloved Crystal once...

    Chúc vui vể.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Christine11:21 PM

    Orienman: What do ya meant by "let not be deceived"? You maynot understand Nancy by me 'coz you just met her once whereas I knew her almost 10 years. I guess either context or content you might not sure abt it. Sorry for saying this :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. Orienman11:47 PM

    @Christine: You're more right than right to say this.

    Nonetheless, the degree/depth of understanding or knowing a person is not directly proportionate to the duration of acquantance...

    At times, pro-long friendship divides two good friends rather than bonds them together.

    A casual observation may be more accurate than a sustained concentration over an object or a person?

    Sorry to had have uttered such senseless remarks... For the dimension of TIME is not bounded by perception of SPACE.

    Have you noticed that your earlier reply was momentarily removed? Why?

    ReplyDelete
  13. I think the best thing in my life is i really have good friends...I really feel so touchy :'(

    @Orienman: At first I deleted Christ's post becoz i thought this is my personal prob, don't want it to be mentioned here. It may causes misunderstanding...But after that, i think i have to respect and appreciate her care and love to me, that's why i put it back.
    Anyway, all the words you tell me, i couldn't understand completely what you meant coz at the moment, my mind is really empty and tired. But i do appreciate you.

    @Christine: I don't have sister, so you really my best sister i've have...No need for me to write to much here, but i think you know how I feel toward you...

    @Risha: When you're back K.P, do come to my house, I really need you at the moment as my little sister.

    @Jack: Don't worry too much, i will not do anything silly. Thanks

    My friends, I can not say anything becoz right now, this time, i've been fucking weary and tired both in my heart and my mind.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Orienman7:15 AM

    @Crystal: My dear little friend, when I first read your Blog, I never had thought that you were pouring out your true feeling out there.

    Sorry to had have puzzled you with too many words which were conceptual rather than concrete ones. The gist of my replies centred around 'Content' and 'Context'. Shall be elaborate this further some other day then?

    To me, an empty mind may be more worthy than a mind 100% full; for the former still have room for ideas while the latter may fall into compleceny.

    Take care!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Christine2:06 PM

    What you need now is takin a rest as much as possible. OK? Don't think too much.

    ReplyDelete