Jul 5, 2012

HOW FAR CAN YOU GO FOR LOVE?

Today's blog post is going to be a lengthy one, but I'm sure it's worth reading :)

So, everyone is talking (or at least heard) about Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes divorce these few days. Some got really shocked "OMG! Really?". Some sympathized "So sad! They are such a great couple" and some even commented in a mean way "Well, Hollywood couples are all like that".

In my point of view, Yes! They look good together. Tom is handsome, Katie is pretty and both are rich and famous. They have everything they want except...a happy family. I assume it's not a happy family because if it was, they wouldn't have to divorce.

Every break-up is SAD so don't say something like "Well, they have a lot of money, they can even hire a circus to entertain them". I don't see how money can relate to a broken heart.

Also, it's going to be so unfair to judge if it's Tom or Katie's fault that caused the divorce because we know nothing about them, what they have gone through, how they felt about each other. People should stop commenting and let them sort it out themselves.

Talk about the relationship, TomKat's story is like one of millions breakup stories nowadays. The only difference is that they are celebrities, so people will talk about them more, and that makes it harder for them to deal with.

Many people say Relationship is hard. I think it's not true. We make the relationship harder than it's supposed to be. Look at our parents' generation, they can live together for so long yet are very happy and loving each other till their hairs turn grey. Why can't we? Is it because we demand too much, expect too much, ask too much and give too little?

Instead of saying "He doesn't care about me anymore", why don't you ask "Have I cared about him enough?"- "Have I done anything wrong?", "Have I put much effort into this relationship?"

Also, our tolerance level is decreasing while our bad-temper level goes all the way up. Last time, I used to think of giving up whenever I and my ex-boyfriend quarrelled. My mom kept telling me to tolerate, to be calm, to learn how to adjust, and she gave me her real life example of how she has been tolerating my dad for more than 20 years to have a happy family that I and my brother are having now. I salute her!

Look at us! We are swept away by our speedy, busy life. We put up so many goals, targets to achieve: buying a big house, nice car, having lots of money in the bank account, but I'm very sure that very few of us actually put a happy family or relationship in our lifetime achievement list. Do you?

So when it comes to choices: Career vs. Relationship, Travel vs. Relationship, Money vs. Relationship, etc...Relationship never gets chosen. Of course, I'm not saying or advising you to put Relationship at first because there are too many things revolving around our life everyday that need our attention, commitment, but there will be certain time in life you need to find out "What is more important", "What really makes you happy". Some people ever told me they would rather choose Career because stable Career will make them feel secure and it's permanent. Really? What about thousand people got retrenched unexpectedly during the economy crisis a few years ago? Did they feel secure before this happened? I'm sure they did.

I have failed 6 times in my Love life. I know it's a lot, I wish I could turn back time to reduce the number.

First relationship: when I was 18, I broke up with my ex because I wanted to pursue my dancing career and he didn't allow me to.
Second relationship: I wanted to go overseas to study so I broke up with my 2nd ex.
Third relationship: we had too many differences, arguments and conflicts. I didn't feel secure in that relationship.
Fourth relationship: I wanted to pursue my career while my ex wanted to get married and to settle down.
Fifth relationship: my ex didn't want to get married and he wanted to set me free while he was suffering major stress from his business downfall.
Sixth relationship: he wanted to break up because he didn't want to have any kid. He let me go because he couldn't give me what I want.

As you can see, most of the time it's because I chose Career and Myself over my Relationship because I thought good opportunities are hard to come by but relationship can be found anywhere, anytime. So I didn't mind giving it up. After I achieved what I wanted, I was happy. People were praising me "Wow! You are so good, successful, talented!" but they have no idea that deep down inside, I feel lonely sometimes. I need to be loved, to be well taken care of, to be pampered more than any trophy, title I've got. They didn't mean anything after a while. You know when we don't have a car, we dream about it everyday. But when we have it, it's like nothing to us. Then I realized it's easy to find someone to love, but it's damn difficult to find someone you love who can really connect to you from the heart to the mind and truly loves you. That connection is rare.

In our life, we have a few balls in hand. Career is Rubber ball while Relationship is like Crystal ball. No matter how many times being dropped, Rubber ball can bounce back by itself. Unlike Rubber ball, Crystal ball will break down once you drop it and that's it. So it's the matter of which is more important and which needs to be more taken care of. People can change 5- 6 jobs in their life, but I hardly see anyone change 5- 6 different wives or husbands. There might be people in this world have had 5, 6 spouses in their life time, but if they were to choose, I'm very sure they would rather want to have just 1 life partner.

One of my exes ever asked me to come back and said "If I was to choose between 10 million dollars and You. I would rather choose you. It's not the matter where you live, it's who you live with". It was so nice to hear and I appreciated it, but I couldn't understand because I wasn't in his shoes to know exactly how it felt when loosing somebody you truly love. Now I do and I keep telling myself that I will never give up on someone I love and someone who truly loves me.

So my dear friends, if your relationship is getting sour and you are thinking of breaking up? Think again! Ask yourself these 3 simple questions:

1. Do you love her/ him?
2. Does he/she still love you?
3. Are you happy when you are with her/ him?

If all the answers are YES, I would sincerely advise you to stay and fight for your relationship. However, this will not apply to all the cases like your boyfriend, girlfriend are cheating on you, they are taking advantage of you, they don't love you, but your house, your money, love having sex with you etc...To those, just tell them to get lost! Don't waste your time. I'm talking about true love cases that are having obstacles, challenges and they are struggling to find their way out.

You know when we are getting angry or upset, we always do stupid things, make stupid decisions, and then we will feel regret after that. We speak the ugly thing to hurt the other party too as a punishment. It's all about EGO. But if you think carefully: What's the point of doing that?

If you love someone so much, you will want them to be happy. Throwing your anger to them doesn't make you feel happier. Instead, you are making the person you love sad. It doesn't make sense. Trust me, it took me almost 10 years to practice this thinking and to apply in my daily life. I'm nowhere near perfect, but I can see myself improving everyday. It makes my life happier and easier. I noticed every time I quarrelled with my ex boyfriends, the longer I held on to it, the worse I felt. Once I quickly settled with him, I was happy instantly. So indirectly, I was doing my heart a favor to make it smile again.

I don't think any relationship will last if we insist on putting our ego, ourselves first. The relationship is a lifetime give and take commitment. You win some, you lose some. You can't expect everything will fall into place perfectly for you. So if you are confused and don't know what to do with your relationship, ask YOURSELF 3 questions above!

Saying "Yourself" I mean You don't have to ask for anyone's advice because they don't share the same heartbeat with you, they don't go through what you have gone. It's easy for them to say things, but do they know what you feel inside? Your heart will know exactly what to do when comes to relationship. But don't get me wrong, I am not against any family or friend's advices because I know they want us to be happy, they want the best for us. The funny thing is they are actually very neutral and usually support whatever decision we make. Don't you think so?

When we are happy in love, friends and family are happy for us. They say "You guys look good together"
When we break up, they advise "One door closes, another one will open. Life goes on"
And if we happy to fall in love with the same person again? They congratulate "I'm so happy for both of you"
Why they seldom say "Don't give up! Please fight for him. He is a good one you should not let go. You guys are meant to be"- WHY? WHY? WHY?

Yes I know because our family will support us in whatever we do and they just want us to be happy, but again, we have to make decisions on our own at the end of the day: what is more important to you, what make you happy? Who will make you happy?

Talk about all these advices, it makes me feel bad. One of my best girlfriends (15 year friendship) fell in love with a guy who is so ugly and totally incompatible with her. He is 35 years old, but looks like 20 years old. My friend is 8 years younger than him, but she looks like 8 years older. He is so ugly that all of my friend's family members didn't like him. I didn't like him either, I blamed his weird look. When my friend decided to marry this guy, I got shocked and I told her "If you marry him, I will not come to visit your house". Her parents didn't approve their wedding at all. She insisted on having a wedding even without her own parents' blessing. 

Now, after 4 years of marriage, her family slowly started accepting him because they kind of getting used to how he looks but most importantly, that guy makes their daughter so happy. She is glowing with love every single day and she proves everyone wrong, including me. And I felt regret. If she obeyed and pleased her parents and everyone else, she wouldn't have been happy as what she is right now. 

Bottom line, True Love always finds the way. Sometimes we are put into a dilemma between our mind and our heart. We think this is good, but our heart is commanding us to do something else. There is no right or wrong answer, you just gotta follow what makes you happy. Life is too short to be wasted with too much burden, calculation and worries. I have a friend who passed away one week after her birthday turning 20. I bought her dinner to celebrate her 20th birthday and she was so happy telling me about her future plan, her love story. She couldn't make it. What does it mean to you?

Now you can ask me: "I have been trying so hard to salvage the relationship, but she is still leaving me, what else can I do?". Well, there is nothing else you can do besides waiting. If it's meant to be, it will be. I've seen 2 persons from total different parts of the world somehow ended up meeting each other and living together. It's about being at the Right time, in the Right Place with the Right person. No matter how far they go, they will still come back to you one day. But if they don't, you know you have tried your best. 

However, don't give up even though you know there is a 1% chance left. Miracle does happen sometimes, I believe! The question is: How far can you go for Love?

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